


Apologize

by carolion



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-09
Updated: 2012-12-09
Packaged: 2017-11-20 16:53:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/587617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolion/pseuds/carolion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If he wasn't so good at screwing up, he wouldn't have to practice saying 'sorry' so often.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apologize

_I'm sorry_.

He practices. Over and over, he thinks _I'm sorry, I'm sorry_. He thinks: _Don't leave, come back, I'm sorry_ , but he doesn't actually know what he's done wrong. All he knows is that David isn't there any more, with his soft, sweet, quick smile and kind eyes, and he misses him more than he ever thought possible.

"I'm sorry," he repeats to himself in the mirror seriously. He watches his face, looks for the subtle, earnest slant of his own eyebrows, trying to rein in his desperation but strike the right balance between honest and yearning. He watches his mouth pout slightly from behind the beard, and frowns, trying to sound less childish. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to." 

_Where are you?_ he thinks helplessly, and he can feel the edge of panic sit on the back of his tongue, near his throat, and it makes breathing a little more difficult. He doesn't know how to _find_ David - he's always been just right there, within reach. But he's gone, and Cook can't find him, and the overwhelming emotion that swamps Cook when he understands this _chokes_ him.

There's a certain kind of poignancy in waiting, he realizes, when the air gets still and he feels like he's holding his breath. It leaves him with a silence that quiets all the distractions around him, and gives him time to think. It's in this stretch of time that he untangles the knots of his anxiety and tries to find the origin point of why he feels this way, why he feels so strongly about this, and he thinks _I would do anything to get you back_ and then he thinks, _oh_ because - oh. 

The lyrics of his own song bang around him like a vengeful drum, because there's nothing to do but wait for David to come back to him, and all along he has this uneasy tilt in his gut, like maybe he won't, maybe he'll never come back, maybe he'll stay swallowed up in his new friends and refuse to look back at Cook. 

_I had you first,_ he thinks, and it's caught between bitter and vindictive and something else, wholly inappropriate and possessive. _I want you back_ , like before, when he could David into his pockets and never be without him, so close their skin buzzed against each other and they could have whole conversations with their eyes. 

_I'm sorry_ , he practices his apology, because he can't think of anything more important to do as he waits. 

"I'm sorry," he says out loud, his voice wrapping around the words again, and again, and he wishes he knew what he'd done wrong to make David so cold and distant. His own voice sounds unfamiliar, and his tongue feels numb from saying the same phrase so much. 

When he finally sees David again, "I'm sorry" isn't the phrase comes out of his mouth, despite his diligent practice. 

Instead it's "I love you", but that turns out to be right thing to say anyway.


End file.
